Redemption & Restoration

I am so happy to have my best friend and “sister” Sadie sharing her heart on the blog today. She has such a beautiful heart and I am, and will be, forever thankful that God saw fit to make our paths cross. I pray this somehow speaks to you, or someone you may share it with.

…without further ado…

Almost two years ago I was given the opportunity of speaking to a group of young women in the MS district. As if addressing an audience of Pastors wives, ladies committee members, ministry leaders and young women were not daunting enough, I felt led to pour out my testimony for only the second time since being refilled with the Holy Ghost. With great and tearful transparency I painted a picture of a girl who had been raised under the pew, by a great man of God who consistently sacrificed his life, time, finances and emotions to touch the lives of others. This prodigal daughter grew up on her fathers alter instead of building her own. Constantly looking at the lives and “freedom” of others: wishing, lusting, craving for what was on the other side of that blurry window. 

I told this beautiful group of women in candid detail how I continued to attend church for a while and even felt His presence BUT wanted that “feel good” relationship on my own terms! But we cannot enjoy both worlds for very long. The Bible tells us that no one can serve two masters without loving one and hating the other. 

We all seem to think that we have a greater ability to handle “it” better and differently than those who have gone before us, but the concrete truth is that we can’t compartmentalize sin. It will seep into every area of our being…eventually. And it did. I was afraid to pray through because I knew I was living wrong. I refused to “be bound” by God, the church or even my estranged family again. That rebellious spirit cost me EVERYTHING. Over the next several years My life spiraled out of control. I no longer served God but was a slave to sex, drugs, alcohol and a tormented mind. Not realizing at the time that there are certain places in God that will change and brand you forever. When your spirit has been to that place, God will not allow you to be comfortable in your sins or happily idle. Suffice it to say that I was a miserable wreck. No matter what I tried I had no real joy, peace or lasting contentment. 

Obviously there was a stark difference between the abused, drug addicted, anorexic, homeless shell of a broken soul who had lost her children to the woman who now stood before this beautiful congregation. It can be summed up in one word, Redemption! 

Up until that point, I had sung the songs of the redeemed and read the scriptures throughout the Bible but without the revelation of what that word actually meant and how it applied to me. That night The Spirit convicted, challenged and flowed freely during the alter call, certainly not because of anything I had done. I just stood there shaking in my skirt before a seemingly perfect crowd while humbly allowing the Lord to speak through me. Now you would think that after addressing my first young woman’s conference that I would have felt powerful in the Lord and victorious, but instead I hit a brick wall. The next three days felt like an eternity of mental attacks as I was bombarded with thoughts like “Well, there goes any credibility I may have possibly had in this district. I just tore down my husband’s faithful ministry. Now that they know who I was (who the enemy tries to tell me that I really am) everyone is going to look at me differently! Oh God, what was I even thinking?! Maybe THEY were right, I should just be satisfied to be refilled with the Holy Ghost and quietly sit in my pew twice a week holding down the fort until He returns. 

The following Sunday I quietly followed my husband into the church of some dear friends who we highly esteem. Terrified of what people may now be thinking, my head  remained down and I purposely avoiding all eye contact. Wouldn’t you know that the youth pastor made a b-line across the sanctuary to tell my husband, ” All we’ve heard about all weekend is your wife’s testimony!” I stood there inwardly praying a scripture from Revelation, “Come, Lord Jesus”… and then added my own plea of, “and do it quickly!” 

What an awesome power and demonstration of the Holy Ghost we experienced that day! Within the time it took to barely sing the first few lines of the opening song it felt as if a literal wave had crashed through the building and washed over us. One moment I was weeping in brokenness and shame and the next I was rejoicing freely at the alter. I had the very faint and fleeting thought of my name being called to testify like they did in my childhood memories of Pentecostal churches but quickly dismissed it and basked again in His glorious presence. I could feel the service taking a turn and wiped my eyes expecting to soon hear the common call to order, “you may be seated.” Instead what I heard was the pastor in the microphone expounding on what he deemed as “the successful Ladies Rally” further stating that I had an anointed word to share with the congregation. In that split second I believe I went into a brief paralyzed shock. I don’t remember breathing or even having a heart beat for that matter. Its amazing how many things can fly through your mind all at once in the length of a nanosecond! As I made forced my feet to climb the three steps that felt more like a steep mountain I was positive this was a terrible mistake. I had not voiced my fears of being looked at through the filtered eyes of my past to anyone but my husband, yet when I reached the top of the platform the pastor’s wife met me there and embracing me with love and strength whispered in my ear, “Sis. Sadie, I do look at you differently. I now see a strong woman who God has called and chosen to be used in His kingdom for such a time as this!”

That is the night that God used this beautiful woman to teach me by example the meaning of the word, redeem. 

Redeem– to buy back; repurchase; to win back; to free from what distresses or harms; to free from captivity by payment of ransom; to release from blame or debt; to free from the consequences of sin. But my favorite definition of this awesome word is, “to restore lost worth.”